The Perfect Birthday Party

Lots of fun

An awesome cake.

Sword-fighting with the cousins.

Opening gifts

Eating cake.

Feeding cake to Mommy (or, at least the frosting). :)

Popsicles instead of ice cream.

Reading one of the many books.

Sword-fighting with Grandfather

Happy Birthday to my boy. :)

Reminders

There are times that I wonder why I bother with the Festival.  Why I spend all the time and energy on it.  Why I don't just give it up and stay home with my baby.*

And then, something happens to remind me.

Sunday, I had a rather intense encounter with someone just before the Festival was set to open.  I am still not entirely certain what I did to upset him, but before I knew it, he was two inches from my face, spraying me with saliva as he cussed me out.  With every fiber of my being struggling to maintain my cool, I asked him to leave.  When he was finally escorted away, I breathed a sigh of relief, and fought back the tears of anger that threatened to burst out of me at any moment.

Until I turned to find myself in the middle of a sea of support.  Many of my performers were there to offer me hugs.  More than a few offered physical violence upon him should he return.  I was surrounded in an instant by the love of so many people that I did not know cared so much for me.

Even now, days later, I fight back tears.  But these are tears of joy and awe at the amazing Festival family I have been blessed with.  And I know that I would do anything for them.

This is why I stay.

*Other than the fact that staying at home all the time would make us both crazy, but whatever. . .

Today

Today, I woke up with the sun.

I got dressed in a silence that has become so unusual as to seem almost eerie.  Patrick was sleeping. Not so much as a peep from Miles' room.  Even the dog merely yawned and rolled over as I snuck out of the room.

Today, I rode with Stacey out to the Festival site, laughing, giggling, and telling stories with my best friend as the sun rose in the grey sky.

Today, as most people were getting out of bed to begin their day, I was huddled in a little blue shack with my pile of paperwork, nursing another cup of coffee.

Today, as you read this, I am walking the Festival site, radio on, dealing with problems as they arise, helping people get the things they need to be good performers.  I will be watching shows, interacting with characters, basking in the sunshine, and reveling in the Festival that I have helped, in some small way, to create.

Today is a good day.

Juggling

I've always been one to balance several activities at once.  In high school, I did Debate, Forensics, Theater, Orchestra, Choir, and Scholar's Bowl.*  All in the same year.  And once I graduated, I continued that lifestyle.  I worked full time, took a full load of college classes, and participated in whatever struck my fancy.  While I was student teaching, I took it easy, and balanced life as a newly-wed with all of the planning, teaching, and homework that goes with student teaching.  Once that was over, I searched until I found the Festival, which immediately consumed every waking hour of my life.  I had always been good at juggling, and Festival was no different.

When I was pregnant, I expected that adding a child to our crazy lives would add another 5-6 balls to the dozen or so I was already juggling - a difficult task, sure, but one that I would master in no time.  I was confident that before long, I would be able to balance Miles with the rest of my life.  To extend the metaphor, I imagined the cheers and applause as I seamlessly continued to juggle, no matter what life threw my way.

And then Miles was born.

Juggling ceased.  I dropped every ball except for Miles, and still, I couldn't keep up.  I could feel the balls pelting me in the head as one by one they came crashing down.  And then PPA decided to toss in a few bowling balls, just for giggles.  I huddled protectively over my baby, tried my best to pick up the pieces, and hid from everything else.

It took over 15 months, and some strong medications, to get rid of the bowling balls.  Since then, I have slowly, slowly, started to pick up the balls, one by one, and begun to juggle yet again.  The balance isn't perfect.  And I drop the ball far more than I once did.  But, I'm juggling.  Slowly, and with much effort and help, but I'm juggling.

And this time, I am cheering myself on.

*Yes, I'm a nerd.

Time Away

As I said on Saturday, I spent the weekend away.

By myself.

Well, more or less.  We had a performance on Saturday afternoon, which took me out of the house at 11:30 in the morning.  Afterward, I had dinner with a friend, then drove the nine million miles to the middle of nowhere to spend time with my Romani family.

For those who don't know, the Romani - or Great Travelers, as I am trying to learn to call them - are the support team for the Festival.  They dance.  They sing.  They woo.  But they also carry ice and water across the Faire site, making sure the rest of us don't get dehydrated.  They fill in when something goes wrong.  They clean. They haul.  They do all of the thankless jobs that need to be done.  And I am forever in awe of them.  I count myself lucky to be welcomed into the very tight family that they have created.

Every year, shortly after casting, all of the Great Travelers go out to a camp on the outskirts of town.  They call it Boot Camp, because it is a grueling four day event involving running, exercising, dancing, drumming, and all sorts of physical labor.  But it also serves as a wonderful time for them to bond and share time as a family.  Each year, I am invited to join them for at least part of the weekend.  This year, I couldn't say no.

No, really, I couldn't.  They needed help, so I went.

Though I worked some, and danced, and otherwise was kept busy the entire weekend, it was the most relaxing time I've had in a very long time.  For once, I did not have someone clinging to me every second, yelling "Mom-mom-mom" when I put him down.  I didn't have to keep my eyes and ears peeled for the slightest hint of his newest mischief.

Instead, I was surrounded by people who were quick to offer me love, support, and help, in whatever way I needed.  I spent the weekend being pampered by my family, and being allowed to just be quiet.  I wandered paths through the trees.  I sang songs and teared up at a story told around the most magnificent campfire.  I attended an outdoor church service that was more fulfilling than any I've been to in a long time.  And while I carried out my duties, I was allowed to just be quiet and contemplate, something I lack in my real life most days.

So yes, after my tirade last year about spending Mother's Day with my child, I spent this year alone in the woods with thirty-some people who are not blood-related.  But, they are my family.  And I needed them more than I knew.

Long Weekend

I hate making weekend trips home.

Let me clarify.  I love going home.  I love visiting everyone, and spending time with family, and being in a place that holds my entire childhood within a thirty-mile radius.

I hate that there never seems to be enough time.  Going home for a weekend means leaving after Patrick gets home from work on Friday night, and arriving after Miles' bedtime.  It means spending a day and a half seeing everyone we know.  My mother.  My father and grandfather.  My sister.  Patrick's parents and sisters.  Patrick's grandmother, who is sweet enough to give us crash space every time we visit.  Needless to say, there's just not enough time to spend quality time with everyone.

And this weekend, we went home for their Renaissance Festival, accompanied by Bethany and Shelby and Stacey.  Which meant that most of Saturday was reserved for that.  I ended up getting to spend time with my mother, but only because I wasn't feeling well, and didn't want to be a downer at the Festival.  But I never got to see my dad, my grandpa, or my sister.  Which stinks.  And I got to see my in-laws, but only very briefly, since they were all busy running the Festival.

Add in the fact that I spent the weekend battling a sinus infection (which was diagnosed yesterday), and that Miles was uber-clingy and whiny for much of the weekend, and it became a less-than-ideal weekend.

I miss everyone so much, and I just wish there was a way to spend as much time as I want with each of them.  But, for now, I have to get as much as possible out of these whirlwind weekends.

<sigh>

The Roller Coaster

Every year, at this time, I feel like I'm at the top of the first hill of a giant roller coaster ride called The Festival.

I look ahead to the coming weeks and months, and suddenly, I see it all spread out before me - the terror and thrill of the ride.  The twists and turns.  The exhilaration, and the exhaustion.  And I know that before I know it, October will be here, and the ride will glide in to the relative comfort and calm of the holidays.

But, for now, I sit at the top of this hill, in the moments before it all begins.

I take a deep breath, and prepare for the plunge.

Work

Okay, so I promised an explanation.  Like a week ago.  I guess I'd better follow through.

After literally months of hemming and hawing and fence-sitting, I have finally made the decision to return to work at the Festival.  I will not, however, be returning as a performer, unfortunately.  As much as I love performing, something had to go.

It's no secret that last year was really difficult for me.  Stressful.  Frustrating.  Tear-inducing.  Overwhelming.  And those were often the good days.  Bad days ended with me curled in a ball, covered in tears and snot,* and wanting to quit everything.

Simply put, I bit off more than I could chew.  Entertainment Assistant. Director of the kids' group. Performer. Mother. Wife. Friend.  I can't do it all, much as I would love to.  Everything ended up being done in a half-assed sort of way (sorry, but there's no other way to put it).  I still have contracts from last year that were never filed.  Rehearsals for the kids' group were poorly organized.  I was rarely fully present for performance rehearsals.  I felt like a failure as a mother, as a wife, and as a friend.  It had to stop.

Some things, however, cannot and will not change.  I will always be a wife and mother.  Those things have to be priority over everything else.  And I need to be a good friend, or risk the inevitable tide of guilt whenever my amazing friends do amazing things for me, even knowing that I don't always have the time/energy/forethought to do the same for them.  It's the Festival stuff that had to change.

Directing the children's group could not go away, though.  Last year, I worked with nine amazing young people, each of whom had more talent in their little fingers than I will ever have.  Each one learned to sing, dance, and entertain a crowd of people, in a venue that's famous for being impossible to hold an audience.  Through the rehearsal process, I watched these nine children grow and mature in so many ways.  These kids are the oddballs, the ones who will never really fit in to the popular cliques in school.  Some of them are entirely okay with that.  Others feel lonely and sad.  But each of them found a place where their differences were showcased and praised at the Festival.  There is no way I could take that feeling of belonging away from them, no matter the struggles I face in my own life.  So, that was always a given.

Which only left two options: give up my job, or give up performing.  And honestly, in the end, it came down to logistics.  Performing requires tons of rehearsals, which take up my evenings and weekends.  That would leave me home with Miles all day, everyday, but leave no time to spend with my husband.  Working takes up my days, providing Miles with a safe, friendly environment in which to play, and leaves our evenings free to spend as a family.  In the end, choosing to work just made more sense.

So, there you have it: the overly-complicated, angst-ridden explanation of my decision.  Was it thrilling?  Wasn't it worth waiting for? :)

*I'm an ugly crier.  It's no secret.

Return to the Office

Friday, after Miles' first nap, we made the 20 minute trip out to have lunch with Maestro.  By the time Maestro had to go back to work, Miles was getting restless, so we returned to the office to run off some energy.

As we entered the front door, we were greeted by every.single.person who works there (granted, that's like, 5 people), all cooing over Miles and excited to see him.  Miles broke into the biggest grin I've seen in awhile, did a minor amount of pontificating in gibberish, and then ran straight to his Uncle Jim to be picked up.

Eventually, I managed to get past the foyer, so I could put my things down. :)

Miles spent the rest of the afternoon running from one office to the next, visiting each person in turn.  He sat with Karla and Ashley as they ate their lunch.  He played with Ashley's dog, Hunter.  He ran in and had random conversations with Roger.  But mostly?  He could be found in Uncle Jim's office, just hanging out.

(Meanwhile, I re-organized my office to get ready for the impending year.  But no one really cares what I did, right?)  :)

After a couple of hours of that, Miles came back to me, crawled up in my lap, and fell into a deep sleep.  What followed was the longest, most restful nap he's had in quite awhile.  I am happy to report that my office is in some semblance of order, and Maestro and I have a plan of attack for the season.  And Miles returned to his car seat without an ounce of complaint, talking the entire way home.


[In case you can't tell, I have decided to return to my position as Entertainment Assistant for the 2011 season.  To balance that, however, I have opted not to perform.  More to follow regarding that decision.]

Labels

You may have noticed a new button to your right, there.  That is a button I am very proud of, even though I really didn't have to do much to earn it.  Yet.  Yesterday afternoon, my blog was accepted by Top Mommy Blogs!  I am very excited, as this has the potential to bring in some new readers, which is apparently what this whole "blog" thing is all about.*

To make their listings more efficient and standardized and easy to navigate, the Mysterious They have separated their mommy blogs into different categories: working moms, stay-at-home moms, couponing moms, giveaway moms,** moms of multiples, and so on.  And so, once more, I find myself trying, unsuccessfully, to define this life I live.

I am every inch a Working Mom.  I work at an office, almost every day, and I earn a paycheck.  I could write volumes on my job, but trust me, I am definitely a working mom.  But, I find that I don't really connect with other working moms very well.  In my experience, one of the primary topics of discussion amongst working moms is daycare - the process of choosing one, the guilt that comes with leaving your child, etc., etc.

Which is one thing I have no experience with, because I have been incredibly blessed with the ability to bring my child to work with me.  Every day.  My experiences and struggles revolve around trying desperately to talk on the telephone while responding to an e-mail, and entertain Miles so he doesn't scream bloody murder and disrupt the entire office.  I work, but I'm also my child's primary caregiver, 24 hours a day.

Which is why I very much relate to the Stay-at-Home Mom.  I am the one who is primarily responsible for the care and feeding of this rare creature known as the Miles Monster.  I am also the one who does the majority of the housework, the cooking, and the errands.  But I find that I have a hard time connecting with other stay-at-home moms, too.  Stay-at-home moms tend to talk about the loneliness of being alone with their children all day, every day.  When I visit the SAHM forums, there is always someone reaching out, wishing for just an ounce of adult interaction.

And here is where I stop being able to relate, as well.  I go to the office every day.  My job is to interact with other adults all day long, often to the point that I come home wanting only to interact with my child for awhile. To stop being an adult, with worries and stress and deadlines and reports, and just be with my kid, rolling around on the floor, being silly.  I am a Full-time mom, but I also work.

Which is the reason I refer to myself as a Full-time mom.  No other label seems to fit. :)

Disclaimer: I mean absolutely no offense to either Working Moms, or Stay-at-Home Moms.  I know I have overly simplified your motivations and choices.  I assure you, it was only to make a point about how I feel I fit (or don't fit) into those categories.  Every mom makes the choice that is best for her children, her family, and her sanity, and I would never wish to offend any of you.

*I can't believe I missed that memo for the past year. . . :)

**Moms who do giveaways, not moms who get given away.  Cuz that would just be awkward. :)

Weekend Recap

It's been quite a weekend.

Early Saturday, we met with a couple dozen gypsies at the Festival site, and rehearsed until our toes fell off. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously? It was a good, tough rehearsal. And I got tons of awesome pictures of the familia. Which I will someday load onto my computer, so I can share them. Because pictures are no good if no one can see them. . .

Anyhow, we took a brief break from the Romani life and went to lunch with Paul and Jeremiah and Bethany and Shelby and Joseph. There are a few too many "ands" in that last sentence, but I'm tired, so I'll let it go. Lunch was good. Much chatting ensued. I'm sure we ate, too, but that was secondary.

Then, it was time for a brief break before we Gypsied up again and headed out to Revel! It was a good night, and Miles was again the hit of the party. Unfortunately, I had not been cautious enough that morning, and ended up with a dehydration headache that sent us home early.

And then, we got up this morning, did some shopping, and made Yule gifts. All. Day. Long. The end.

I know this is a short post, and the writing looks like something done by a first-year business student with a hangover, but I am tired. And hey, at least I wrote something today. :)

Have a great week!

Court Day!

It's Court Rehearsal Day!!!

And I have no gentleman. :(

The guy who had been cast to play opposite me for the season has decided to drop out. I don't know exactly why, but I'm sure he had his reasons.

The end result: I may be flying solo for the year. Or as solo as any court female ever does. Especially one with a servant. A mute servant. You know, the more I think about it, the better this is sounding. :)

Anyhow, on another note, I get to try on my lining for my court dress tonight! Annie is amazing. I dropped off the fabric less than a week ago, and tonight, she should already have the lining all done for me to try on! I am SO excited!!! I can't wait to see how this turns out!

I'll post pictures, if I remember to get them!