The Great Divide: Part 2 - Choosing Sides

On Monday, I talked about this problem I called "The Great Divide". The distance between Working Moms and Stay-at-Home Moms. Now, let me explain why I care so much about this issue.

The Great Divide widens every day. And I find myself caught between the two worlds. I am a working mom - I work outside of the home, and (at least for part of the year) I contribute financially to our income.* I leave the house most mornings and go to an office, where I spend my day at a computer, just like so many other working moms out there. But, I am also a stay-at-home mom - I am the primary caregiver for my son. I spend my time balancing housework with interacting with my son.

Like all new mothers, I look for ideas, support, and understanding from others who are experiencing the same things as me. But, it's harder than it should be. Because I don't feel like a working mom - I'm with my kid all day long. And I don't feel like a stay-at-home mom - I'm rarely at home, truth be told. Which is why I describe myself as a "full-time mom". But there are no forum boards, no blogs, no support network that I can find for "full-time moms".

That said, I have been lucky enough to be a part of a forum board for stay-at-home moms who have been kind enough to overlook the fact that I am also a working mom. I find a lot of advice and support on this board, but I still feel like the outsider in the group. Like I don't really fit in.

Unfortunately, if that's the case, I don't really "fit in" anywhere. I am an anomaly. A very lucky anomaly. Few have the opportunity to walk with a foot in each world, wearing both the working mom and the stay-at-home mom hats at the same time.**

I just wish that The Great Divide didn't exist. After all, we're all moms. We all deal with some of the same issues: colic, teething, illnesses, potty training, raising our children to be the best people they can be. We all struggle. We all have bad days. And we all love our children more than we ever knew was possible. Why, then, can't we support one another, regardless of where we spend our days?

Wouldn't that be a lesson worth teaching our children?

*Granted, I also help spend a lot of that on Festival, but that's beside the point. :)

**And I'm sure that, like anyone wearing two hats at the same time, I probably look a little like a goober sometimes. But that's not really the point. :)

The Great Divide: Part 1

Since Miles was born, and more specifically since I began reading parenting blogs and participating in parenting forums, I have come to discover The Great Divide. No, I'm not talking about a piece of geography you probably don't remember from middle school social studies. I'm referring to the divide between Working Moms and Stay-at-Home Moms.

I've seen this referred to regularly as the "Mommy Wars". Moms who work contend that they are "actually contributing" to their household income. Moms who stay at home will often counter by saying that they contribute by making the household run more smoothly. Working moms accuse those who stay at home of being lazy, watching television all day while their kids run amok. Stay at home moms accuse working moms of "paying someone to raise their children for them." And the argument devolves from there in a hurry.

Here's the thing: they're all wrong. And, by the same token, they're all absolutely right.

Working moms do provide for their family financially, as well as in all the other ways that moms provide for their families. And moms who choose to stay at home often do keep the household running like a well-oiled machine. But, I know working moms whose homes run incredibly smoothly. And I know stay at home moms who manage to pull in money after the kids are in bed. On the flip side, I've seen stay at home moms who are the definition of lazy - their children running in and out of the house, flinging food and toys in their wake, while the mom watches the television. And I've worked in daycare enough to have seen working moms who only see their children for an hour a night before bed. Regardless of whether a mom works or not, some are wonderful, and some could definitely use some improvement. But regardless, all moms love their children. And I truly believe that most moms are doing the best they can, given their situation.

Why, then, do we attack each other? Why do we judge one another? Why do we insist on making our fellow mothers feel guilty about their parenting choices? None of us has all the answers. And until we start coming together, accepting one another's choices even when we disagree, the Mommy Wars will continue.

And that, to me, is incredibly sad.