Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• My mother has been in the hospital all week due to unexplained, long-term vertigo.  She is better than she was, but there are a ton of tests in her future.
• My PPA kicked my butt a couple of days this week.  Little things can send me into a tailspin.
• Trying not to blow our budget, even though I was stuck in a super Wal-Mart for two and a half hours while they fixed my car. Not so successful there. . .
• Energy.  Even when I am well-rested, I can barely keep up with Miles some days.
• Mommy-guilt reared its ugly head again.  Nothing new there.

Blessings:

• Evenings spent with my family, cuddling, watching television, working on projects, or simply being in the same space.  Positively beautiful.
• Branson with our core family/friend/Tribe/Kumpania this weekend.  And beautiful weather to enjoy it.
• Being reminded of a favorite prayer that I hadn't thought of in awhile.  Quite inspirational.
• A husband who loves me unconditionally, and protects me no matter what.
• A son who loves me unconditionally, and whose laugh makes my heart feel full.
• Projects.  And the beginnings of Christmas shopping.  And other me-time activities. 
• Lunch yesterday with Andrea and her darling children.  Absolutely what I needed.
• A renewed confidence that I can continue each day, even when it feels like I'm slipping.
• Long conversations with my husband.
• A restored sense of peace and contentment.  I am re-finding my balance.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Short week.  Lots to accomplish.  Zero energy.  Not a fun combination.
• Trying to carve out time to spend with my husband and my son.
• Sleeping troubles.  For me, this time.
• Super-clingy Miles.  Probably because we've all been so busy.
• Super-stressed Maestro.  Nothing new. :)

Blessings:

• Bits of free time.
• Two days off this week, in return for 12 hour work days.
• Spent at least part of every day with Miles.
• Found a few moments to read and blog.
• Great new book.
• Support from family and friends, when even I didn't know I needed it.
• Toddlerhood.  I love it.  It is awesome.  The end.
• Re-connecting with a childhood friend.
• Glorious weather.
• An overall feeling of contentedness. <happy sigh>

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Crazy-busy schedule that left me stressed.
• Having to come to terms with the idea of going through physical therapy again. Blargh.
• The heat.  I have tried so hard not to complain about the heat, but it has been oppressive for more than two weeks straight.  It is starting to wear on me.
• Teething + Growth Spurt = Cranky Toddler
• Temper tantrums.  
• Exhaustion.  Partly from the heat, partly from back pain, partly from simply being Miles' mother.

Blessings:

• Job-sharing with a friend to ease the scheduling crazies.  I will work 2-3 days a week, and she will take the rest.  Even better?  On my working days, she will watch Miles, and on her working days, I will get to have her amazingly sweet 6-year-old daughter.
• Modern medication, physical therapy, and decent medical insurance to cover it all.  Sometimes, I forget what a huge blessing insurance really is.
• Air conditioning so cold that I actually like going out into the heat.  For about two minutes.  Then, I get to return to the suddenly-refreshing icy-cold air conditioning. :)
• A toddler who is absolutely delightful 95% of the time.  It makes the other 5% worth it. 
• Cuddles, hugs, and kisses from Miles, because he needs the comfort.  I hate that he hurts, but I love the affection.
• Dominic.  I love that goofy little mutt.  Especially when he curls up next to me to love on me.
• Time to spend with dear friends, especially Portia, and Pren, and Tracy, none of whom I see often enough.
• The anticipation of the birth of my nephew, who could come any day now.  It's so exciting! Eeee!
• The beautiful, loving, supportive family that I am blessed with, and the beautiful, loving, supportive friends who have become family.

I am so thankful to be living this life.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Migraine/Headache that has now lasted nearly two weeks.  Second doctor's appointment scheduled for tomorrow.
• We are hitting the busy time of our year, and dealing with staffing issues at work.  Not a good time for this.
• Long hours for both Patrick and I, which meant very little time spent as a family.

Blessings:

• Linda, who helped out a lot with Miles, so I could be more productive at work.
• Some answers and possibilities at work, which may make everything run a little more smoothly.
• A burst of creative energy.
• Miles, who has been in an incredibly good mood most of the week.
• Date night with my hubby on Friday.
• A new performer for our dance group.
• Lunch yesterday with my mom, my aunt, and two of my cousins.  Hooray for BBQ!
• Dinner last night with Stephanie and Jacob. Yay!
• Girls' Day Out this afternoon.  Pedicures all around!

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Time.  And it only gets worse from here.
• Frustration.  Meltdowns.  Temper tantrums.  And that was just me. :)
• Not enough sleep (is there ever?).
• Technology hates me.  It's just a fact.
• A rough week in many ways.

Blessings:

• Cameron.  After a rough Wednesday without him, I realized how much of a blessing he is.
• Tons of fun activities with some of my favorite people.
• A long conversation with my sister.
• A mother I can turn to for advice about my tutoring, when I find myself at loose ends.
• A father who sees humor in every situation, and helps me to find it as well.
• A husband who will randomly look up at me and say, "I love you," for no particular reason.
• A son whose energy and determination I am trying to learn to appreciate for the positive qualities they are.
• My faire family.  They make my life full and rich.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Time.  Not enough of it to do everything.
• Insecurity strikes again.
• Long hours at the office for Patrick, and Miles and me.
• Frustrations brought on by uncertainty.

Blessings:

• Cameron, a delightful young man who has started joining us at the office to help with Miles.  He is truly wonderful, and Miles absolutely adores him. :)
• Donuts!  
• Long talks with family and friends, usually about nothing in particular.
• A playdate with some awesome women I met online, and their adorably huggable little girls.
• Friends who understand when I forget, and are quick to forgive it.
• Quiet time with my hubby, just enjoying each other's company, even if it's just for a few moments.
• Patrick, who supports me in every sense of the word.  He is truly an amazing husband, and I am lucky to call him mine.
• The feeling of pure joy I feel around Miles, free from anxiety and worry.  Thank God and modern chemistry for Zoloft.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• The van went into the shop, so we had to make do without it for the better part of the week.
• Too much to do, too little time.
• Tracy is pregnant, nauseous, and job-hunting, so Patrick and I are on our own for Special Olympics. Eek.

Blessings:

• Short week.  Hurray for Memorial Day.
• Lots of yummy food, cooked with fresh produce from the farmers' market.
• Beautiful weather.
• Help at the office from two very sweet young gentlemen.
• An opportunity to tutor a young lady I work with.  It's nice to flex my teaching muscles again.
• Feeling needed at home, and at work.
• A mommy-friend who always seems to have it all together finally let her guard down with me and admitted that it was hard work to be a mom.  I'm not happy she's struggling, but I am happy that she feels comfortable sharing it with me.
• A husband I adore, and a son who lights up the world when he smiles.  They will always be my biggest blessings.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Monday.  All of it.
• Panic sucks.
• Tornado sirens induce panic.
• I have heard the tornado sirens far more this week than I usually do in an entire summer. 
• Exhaustion.  Partially brought on by anxiety-induced insomnia.  And partially because I was just dumb and stayed up too late.
• Leaving Miles all day Thursday and Friday.  He did fine.  I did. . . less than fine.
• Stressful office environment.  Thus, the lack of Miles.

Blessings:

• None of my friends or family were affected by severe weather in any significant way.
• A basement to hide in when the sirens go off.  
• A son who is trusting and well-behaved, even when he doesn't understand what's going on.
• Time to read.  Even if I carved it out of my sleep time.
• Time with my hubby this morning.
• Time out with the girls tonight.
• Chai tea
• Friends and family who step in to help with Miles whenever I ask.
• An opportunity to dress nicely for work.  Not something I usually bother with, when I take Miles along.
• A picnic dinner in the park with my family.  Bliss.
• An incredibly productive two days at the office.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Trying to keep up on the housework.  It's just so easy to let it slide.
• Evening tantrums from Miles.  Not exactly sure why.
• Not really much else.  It has been a good week. :)

Blessings:

• Things are beginning to click.  I haven't had a real, full-on panic attack all week.  I have had a few close calls, where I could feel them coming, but I was able to ward off the worst of them.  I spent those days with an edge of panic, but no full-blown paralyzing attacks.
• Lots of fun outings with my son.  And none of them ended in tantrums.
• A huge increase in Miles' attempts to communicate.  He is starting to figure out how to get my attention and 'use his words', and he is becoming so much more patient with me as I figure out what he needs.
• Friends who have kept me sane and busy this week.
• An afternoon to myself, and an evening alone with my hubby.  All thanks to the wonderful Aunt Ninell. Love her.
• The prospect of another fun rehearsal with my kiddos today, followed by a nice, quiet weekend with my family. <content sigh>

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Temper tantrums.  Complete with jello-legged toddlers who has somehow become ten times heavier than normal.
• Lots of working.
• Still struggling to find a balance that works for us.
• Patrick has been working long hours, trying to finish a project.  He comes home for dinner and plays with Miles, then returns to the office for several more hours.  He is doing a stellar job of balancing it all.  I'm just looking forward to seeing him have a chance to relax a bit.  I worry about him. 

Blessings:

• Returning to my week with a renewed energy and with a fresh store of patience.
• A new camera that allows me to actually capture good shots of Miles.  And anything else that strikes my fancy. :)
• Nice, warm, sunny weather for most of the week.  Playing outside with Miles has been glorious.
• A notable increase in Miles' attempt to communicate his wants and needs.  He's learning a bit more patience, which means he's willing to spend more time when I'm not quite sure what he's saying.
• The support of friends and family who help make every day a bit easier.
• A night of shopping and dinner with Stacey.  Especially welcome at the end of a long day.
• The prospect of a rehearsal with my wonderful kiddos this morning, followed by a baby shower for Bethany.  It's going to be a good day. :)

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Dreary weather that sapped my energy for much of the week.
• Lack of sleep.  Which could, conceivably, have contributed to my lack of energy . . . Nah, it must have been the weather. :)
• Food poisoning from dinner on Thursday, and an all-day headache on Friday.  Seriously, I'd love to get through a whole week without being sick.
• The beginning of time-outs.  Just for toys, so far, but already, they bring The Tantrums.  Yipe.
• Miles has begun to test the limits of: his abilities, his behavior, and my sanity.
• Picking him up to do something he doesn't want to do leads to the introduction of the heavy, wriggling, slippery jello-creature.  Normal, but annoying.

Blessings:

• My toddler is normal.  I have to keep remembering that these tantrums and assertions of independence are normal toddler behaviors.  And that's a good thing in the end.  God grant me the patience to survive it, though. :)
• A lovely day at work on Tuesday, and a lovely day of adventures with my son on Thursday.  All in all, it could have been a much worse week. 
• Patrick.  He is so patient, and supportive.  He has done bedtime every night this week, even though I know he's tired.
• Portrait Club membership that allow me to get Miles' pictures taken as often as I like.  I've already gone twice this month . . . 
• Dominic, who has saved my sanity on more than one occasion this week.
• A workplace that allows (and encourages) my son to come along, and accepts all that he brings with him (i.e. chaos, destruction, screaming tantrums, etc.)
• Internet friends. 
• Friends I know 'in real life'. :)
• Craigslist for its integral role in ridding our home of more useless junk. :)
• Reese's Puffs cereal.  So.freaking.good.  
• Hot tea. Warm blanket.  Cuddly dog.
• Unexpected cuddle naps with my boy. Bliss.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Sinus infection from hell.  Combined with dizziness, which led to nausea.  Grump.  That's my only real battle from this week, but it was a doozy.

Blessings:

• Patrick.  He stayed home from work almost all week to take care of Miles (and me - I'm a big ol' baby when I'm sick).
• Internet.  When I couldn't get off the couch, at least my internet was there to entertain me.
• Television on-demand.  For the same reason.
• At least this wasn't a week where I was required to be somewhere.  I guess that's a blessing in and of itself.
• I'm finally getting over the sickies.  Finally.
• Easter is tomorrow!!!  And I'm coloring eggs with Miles later!!!  So excited!!! (Can you tell?!?)

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Allergies.
• Teething.
• Growth spurt.
• Wednesday, as a whole.
• Lack of sleep, due to all of the above.
• Lack of motivation, due to lack of sleep.
• Lack of seeing friends, due to sheer busy-ness of everyone.
• Too much to do.  No real desire to do any of it.
• Monday.  Casting is stressful.  Cranky toddler is stressful.  Combined, it was, well, a battle.

Blessings:

• Claritin for kids.  Miles is now feeling a little better.
• Oranges and other soft food that don't hurt his teeth.
• Growth spurt is slowing down.
• Coffee.
• Having a completed cast list.
• Dinner with the cast on Monday night.  So much excitement!
• Dinner with Ninell on Sunday.  Delicious pasta, and delightful company.
• Television.  I hate to admit it, but when Miles is in a mood, TV helps us both keep our sanity.
• Medicine, that is helping me cope with life.
• Friends who offer help with Miles when I need it most.
• Warm weather, and cool thunderstorms.
• A chance to visit family this weekend. :)

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Time.  It seems to be working against me this week, and flying by before I have a chance to finish everything I need to do.
• A toddler who is teething (still), and going through a growth spurt.  Add in the crazy weather patterns, and it's been a whiny, clingy week.
• Breathing.  Though, this is partially my own fault, since I forgot to refill my asthma medication.  Add in the massive amounts of allergens in the air, and I am an itchy, breathless mess.
• Finding balance between all of the things I've committed to do, while still managing to take care of myself.  Not an easy task.

Blessings:

• Warm weather.  Oh, how I love being able to go outdoors without a coat.  I just want to bask in the sun all day.
• Baby goats. :)
• A toddler who, even at his worst, is still the sweetest, most cuddly boy ever.  
• Productivity.  Though I haven't managed to finish everything I wanted to this week, I have gotten a lot accomplished this week.  Some things that have been pending for awhile.  It's nice to at least have a start on getting caught up.
• Modern medicine.  With the return of panic attacks last week (because I was dumb and forgot my meds), I appreciate the absence of them even more this week.  Thank goodness for medication that helps me face the world without having a freak-out at random moments.
• Sleep.  Miles has been sleeping in until 8:00 this week (probably due to that growth spurt).  I have taken full advantage of this by ignoring my alarm clock and staying in bed until I hear him squawk.
• Patrick.  As always, he is amazing.  

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Still dealing with the panic attacks, though they're less frequent.  They still suck.
• Not enough sleep all week.  My own fault, certainly, but still makes life interesting.
• Two days of work this week.  Miles is not finding it interesting in the least.  Unless, of course, he's wreaking havoc across the office.  Still seeking solutions.
• Keeping the house clean.  Somehow, I just cannot seem to manage this.  Grrrr.
• Staying one step ahead of Miles.  Getting more and more difficult.
• In relation to that last one, we lost a ton of audition appointments when Miles found a way to climb onto the table, open my laptop, and delete things at random.  
• Being nice to people who piss me off.  This is always a battle for me.  I just want to punch them. :(

Blessings:

• Modern medicine.  Panic attacks are fewer and further between.  And starting to become manageable.
• An awesome boss, who is very understanding when I have to split my focus between work and child-wrangling.  Also, he loves Miles.  Bonus. :)
• A relatively low-key week, even with everything that is going on.
• Aunt Ninell, who baby-sat last night to make our lives a little easier.
• All of the amazing support I have received from everyone, particularly in response to my PPA diagnosis, but also, just in general.  I have the best support system ever. :)
• My amazing and wonderful son, who keeps me laughing, even when I'm having a bad day.
• My wonderful husband, who is always there to give me exactly what I need.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Week one of Zoloft = dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea, and fatigue.  Week one of Zoloft =/= any real relief, yet.  Blargh.
• Also, the seventh day of Zoloft, the last one before you double the dosage, kinda sucks.  As in, it doesn't really help at all.  Welcome back, panic attacks.
• The weather is crazy - warm, cold, warm, cold.  It's doing a number on my allergies, my stress levels, and my sanity.
• A week of things not turning out the way I planned.  I hate that.
• Insatiable hunger.  May or may not be a side effect of the meds.  Either way, it sucks.
• Long days.  Patrick has an important project to finish, and has been working later than normal.
• Because of my already-high anxiety levels on Friday, I took a bit of e-judging a little more personally than I normally would have.  I wound up hiding my head under a blanket, trying to breathe normally, while Patrick made dinner.  Not one of my shining moments.

Blessings:

• Week one of Zoloft is done.  Which means that I should find some relief soon.  My wait for relief is that much shorter now.
• Even with the crazy weather, I can tell that Spring is here.  It is only a matter of time before warmth graces us again.
• Hidden blessing that would have remained hidden if everything had gone as planned.
• For every tiny piece of e-judging I have received, I have also received great big loads of e-support.  It is awesome that I can count on these people to lift me up after a bad day.
• A son who lights up every room he enters.
• A husband who takes care of me, and shows me nothing but compassion and love.  Even when I am annoying. :)
• Work.  Because it keeps my mind off things.  And because I love my job.  And because it rarely feels like work.
• Play dates.
• Thin Mints.  Mmmm.
• A good book.

Life is good.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Finally admitting to my anxiety, so I can begin getting help.  It's hard.  I am so afraid of being the crazy one in the room.  Of being told to just suck it up.  Of people wanting to talk about it at length.  Or, alternately, people ignoring it altogether.
• Thursday just kinda sucked.  We tried to go to the park, but it was a complete disaster.  Miles only napped for 40 minutes.  He was whiny and clingy all afternoon.  Then, he fell asleep in the car, making it impossible for me to help our friends with moving.  It's like Tuesday decided to bide its time and show up two days late.
• Dealing with Dominic's separation anxiety.  It's so hard to know how to deal with it.  
• Allergy season has begun.  Blargh.  And Miles seems to be having issues this year.  Double blargh.
• Being tied down to Miles' sleep schedule has been particularly difficult this week.  I have missed out on several things I really wanted to do because it interfered with nap time.  Usually, it doesn't bother me much, but this week it has.
• Teething.  Seriously?  Are these damn things ever going to come in?  Or are they simply going to sit there, just below the surface (or barely through) for eternity?  Miles is hurting.  Come on teeth, give the kid a break.

Blessings:

• I have a plan for getting rid of my panic attacks.  This is a good thing.
• Patrick has been ridiculously supportive, as always.  
• Waking up to daisies (my favorite) on the kitchen table, because my hubby likes to surprise me. :)
• In spite of teething and everything else, Miles has been really sweet this week.  He has spent a lot of time sitting with me, just cuddling.  Pure mommy bliss.
• Beautiful weather.  Mmmm, it feels good to be outside again.
• Dominic has apparently officially decided that Miles is his boy.  Every time Miles leaves, the dog sits and worries until he returns.  Even if it's only for a few minutes, and someone else stays here with the dog.  And the way Miles giggles when Dominic plays with him is so wonderful.
• Friends, family, and complete internet strangers that offer their support when I need it most.  You all rock.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• A migraine headache that lasted two full days, and made it incredibly difficult to move, much less take care of my kid.  The TV was on waaaaay more than I wanted it to be.
• Missing out on my nephew, Jaxon's, first birthday party this afternoon, due to a prior commitment. :(
• Motivation.  As in, I have none.  I have managed to force myself to do stuff, but it's been a battle.

Blessings:

• I only had three battles this week.  
• Date night with my hubby last night.  It was only dinner and driving around aimlessly, but it was nice.
• Ninell, for insisting we take a date night so she could spend time with her great-nephew.
• A relatively relaxed day at work on Friday, that was, nonetheless very productive.
• A fun play-date on Tuesday.
• Time to read again.  I'm on my second book of the week.  Since the new year, I have already doubled the number of books I've read since Miles was born.
• Sleep schedules that are now at least somewhat predictable.  It's taken us a year and a half (nearly), but here we are.  I have never appreciated sleep so much.
• Beautiful weather.  I am so ready for spring.

Battles & Blessings

What a week it's been . . .

Battles:

• Teething.  Yeah, these eye-teeth/canines/fangs are awful.  
• Exploding engine.  Yeah, that sucked.*
• Being without a vehicle all week.  Because my engine exploded.
• Stressful work day on Wednesday.  It's a loooooong story, and I can't really get into it, but it was not a fun day.  And Miles screamed all day.
• Epic Shower Fail.  Details tomorrow.
• Serious lack of motivation.
• Feeling completely overwhelmed already.  And we haven't even really started the season, yet.

Blessings:

• Patrick, who has helped with the house, fielded Miles, made me laugh, and held me close when I needed it.
• Cuddles from Miles.  I know it's because he's uncomfortable and in pain, but I'm glad that he has chosen to cuddle with me for comfort.  I wonder if he knows how good it is for both of us.
• Stacey.  Without the use of our car, this week would have been much more difficult, and Patrick would not have been able to go purchase:
• A new (to us) van.  As of Thursday evening, we are the proud owners of a . . . I forget the details.  A new minivan.  Hooray!!!
• My kids' group.  After a horrifically terrible day at work on Wednesday, my kiddos were an absolute joy.  I am impressed at how much my returning kids remember, and at how quickly the new ones are learning.
• Festival reunion party, last night.  It was so wonderful to see everyone again.  And an awesome reminder of why I work my tail off to keep my job.  I really do enjoy it.
• My mommy forums.  Once again, they provided me with the support I needed, instantaneously.  I am so lucky to have such a great group of moms to lean on.
• This blog.  It is so nice to have an outlet for all of my rantings.  Plus, the fact that others read it encourages me to look at everything with humor.  Because if I just ranted, it would be boring.  But, if I can make people laugh, while still venting, then I feel all accomplished and stuff.

*Okay, it didn't explode.  It had a "sprung piston", whatever the hell that means.  It still means the engine is shot.

Battles & Blessings

Battles:

• Icky weather returned on Thursday.  I hate being stuck indoors.  I officially give the finger to Winter.  In the most lady-like way possible, of course.
• Teething.  Eye-teeth are coming in.  I am bracing myself, because these are supposed to be the worst.
• Busy, busy, busy.  We had things planned every.single.day this week.  It was tough finding time to do everything.  I have a feeling that it's only going to get worse from here.

Blessings:

• Patrick.  He took Miles out to the mall on Wednesday night, which allowed me some much-needed time to work on some projects.  I watched episodes of The Pretender.  It was glorious.  The end.
• Miles' rash went away!  He looked so much better.  And then, it came back, but not nearly as bad.  And it's going away again, so end result = Yay!!!
• Miles has been ultra-snuggly this week.  I love it.  And the crankiness that usually goes along with it has been fairly scarce.  So, even better!
• I have found a new assistant to help with my kids' performance group!  I met with her on Wednesday, and now I'm even more excited for our new season. :)
• A chance to perform this afternoon.  I am playing the Mock Turtle in an Alice in Wonderland Tea. :)