I haven't posted much lately because I want to post something positive and happy and awesome. But I promised I'd be honest with anyone reading this, so here goes.
My anxiety is kicking my butt.
I don't want to leave the house. In fact, all I really want to do is sleep. When Sam cries, I want to scream and/or hide in a corner. Even if it only lasts a moment, and is for a legitimate reason.
Scratch that. I just want to hide. Even when she's not crying. I want to take Miles and hide somewhere. Somewhere safe that we can play without worrying that Sam is going to need something. Somewhere we can cuddle and nap together without Sam waking us up. Somewhere where he's not going to give me that heart-breaking look because we have to stop doing stuff together.
I love Sam, with all of my heart. I adore the way she laughs in her sleep, and crosses her eyes when she can't focus, and grabs onto my fingers with her monkey toes. I love every little thing about her.
But if I'm honest with myself, everything about her causes me to panic, too. When she's sleeping, I check her a thousand times to make sure she's breathing. When she's awake, I'm trying to make sure she's engaged and stimulated - but not overstimulated. When she's eating, I worry she's going to eat too fast and burp it all back up. Or she'll eat too slowly and fall asleep before she's finished, and not get enough to eat and not gain weight correctly and. . . cue panic spiral.
Every moment with her is both wonderful and agonizing. It's overwhelming on every level.
I've upped my meds. I have a prescription for Xanax, for when the panic becomes too much. I force myself out of the house, for Miles' sake, and sit in the sunlight, hoping it will somehow magically cure me.
But the anxiety is always there. Sometimes it's mild, an undercurrent, an edge that reminds me that all of this could be gone in an instant. Other times, it's overwhelming, and I can't deal with the thought of losing what I have, so I drown it all out by turning on the tv for Miles and losing myself in a computer game.
And then I worry that I'm losing out on all I have by doing so.
So, yeah. That's where I am. Overwhelmed, but pushing through.