The List

The following is a list of all of the reasons that I am a Bad Mommy.*  Everything on this list is something that someone has actually been judgmental about - either to me, or about me, or said in my presence.  I will post a few in the blog every Monday, and then add them to this running list.  I have tried to link each to the appropriate story.  If there is a particular item that you'd like the story for, simply leave a comment at the bottom of this list, and I will try to get to it. :)

Reasons I Am a Bad Mommy

1. I chose not to nurse my son.  Because I didn't want to.  If that's not enough of an explanation, let's talk.  Because I totally enjoy discussing my breasts with complete strangers.
2. Instead, I fed him formula, which apparently, is like feeding him toxic waste.
3. I did not fight the c-section.  In fact, I kinda welcomed it.  Oh, and I got the epidural as soon as possible.
4. From early on, I have followed my child's lead.  I trust he knows what he needs. (Like, no socks. . .)
5. I allow my child to watch television, even though it is obviously of the devil.  Just another of my selfish choices so that I can eat occasionally.
6. I feed my child juice, even though it is obviously going to make him fat.  It would be better for him to drink nothing at all, because juice is as bad as soda.
7. I don't jump and run every time my child falls over.  Which is often.  Apparently, that makes me lazy.  Even if he's not actually hurt.  The correct (and societally-acceptable) move would be to hover over him, never allowing him the space to learn anything for himself.
8. I don't always order my kid his own meal.  Most times, in fact, he eats off of my plate.  Apparently, I am a terrible mother who wishes to starve her child. (Interesting factoid: this happened when Miles was 7 months old, and barely eating table food at all.)
9. I use a harness and leash on my son when we are out in public.  Apparently, this means I think of him as a pet, rather than as a rambunctious child who would run into a crowd without thinking.
10. As a family, we have incorporated Miles into our lives, we have not changed everything about our lives to fit him.  Apparently, we are being selfish by 'dragging' him along.  His obvious joy at leading this life is apparently only because he doesn't know any better.
11. I don't want more kids.  If I truly loved being a mommy, I would continue to reproduce.  If I truly cared about Miles, I would give him a playmate.  Even if the thought of going through pregnancy and the newborn stage again (this time with a toddler in tow) makes me want to vomit.  I should be barefoot and pregnant already, dammit.
12. Despite my best efforts, my child is not a good sleeper, and never has been.  Apparently, if I would just [let him cry it out/rock him to sleep every night/random other useless advice] he would be sleeping just fine.  And I need to fix this now, because obviously it's going to affect him for the rest of his life.  He will always have sleep issues if I don't fix them right this minute.  In fact, it may already be too late!!! 
13. I blog.  Which means I must be ignoring my kid to do so.  Because, you know, I should be watching him even when he sleeps.
14. I stay at home with my son, rather than going to work and helping to 'provide' for him.  Yeah, this little gem actually came from another stay-at-home mom.  Who doesn't work at all.
15. I work.  I may take my child with me, but there's no way I'm actually interacting with him at all, so the poor guy must be suffering horribly.  Never mind the fact that he's quite happy to go to the office, and will actually sign bye-bye and go for the door when I mention the word, "work".
16. I act as a short-order cook some days.  Miles has just hit that picky stage.  Psychology says that this is just a sign that he's discovering his control over his environment.  One of the ways he can control it is to refuse to eat.  So, I offer him three or four different foods at some meals, trying to get him to eatsomething.  Apparently, this means I'm setting him up to be incredibly picky.  Who cares if he is too young to understand the idea of "you eat what you're given"?
17. I let him wander all the way across the gym from me.  Seriously, some psycho mom could snatch him up and run away with him.  Well, she could if she wasn't so busy helicoptering around her own little cherub, at least. . . 
18. My house is a disaster pretty much all the time.  I don't even care anymore.  Untidyness runs rampant, and I am fighting a losing battle.  <shrug>  At least I keep the floor clean, since:
19. Miles may, on occasion, eat food off of the floor.  I mean, it's not like it's everyday, or anything (it is), and it's not like it's every meal (it so is).  And at least I try to stop him, right? (I don't).  To be fair, though, if I threw away every piece of food he ever dropped on the floor, our grocery bill would be in the thousands of dollars a week.  Seriously.
20. Miles plays video games already.  Yep.  And he's entirely obsessed with the computer.  I've already set the poor little guy on the road toward nerd-hood. . . Oh, wait.  That's not a bad thing. 
21. I actually allowed my poor child to grow a mullet.  And I didn't even realize it.  <hangs head in shame>
22. My kid did some of his earliest teething on a pickle.  True story.
23. For Miles' first birthday, a bunch of us went to the zoo.  No, we didn't rent it out, and no, I didn't plan it for six whole months.  It was a last-minute decision, and it was fun.  Apparently, I should have stressed about it more, but frankly?  I saw no reason to.
24. I bribe my kid with cookies.  When you're sitting in the Dermatologist's office, and your son suddenly becomes a manic, destructive mini-monster, then you can judge me.  Meanwhile, pass the cookies.
25. I can't always control my kid.  Sometimes, no matter what I do, he runs screaming around the room like a banshee.  See #24 for an example of my failed efforts.
26. My kid rarely wears socks unless we're going somewhere that requires shoes.  His feet sweat, he overheats, and he gets cranky.  Apparently, allowing him this minor comfort is allowing him to rule the roost already.  Meh.  We already knew that . . . :)

*Please know that I do not think I am a Bad Mommy.  I think I am a Mommy who does her best, just like every other Mommy on the planet.  This list is meant to be funny.  So laugh.  Now. :)