It is Thursday, a day Miles goes to 'school', and I can relax and get things done in the silence.
I never realize how noisy my life is until times like this. There is no sound of Patrick, puttering around in the basement. Miles is not here to make his incessant train noises. Even the cat is napping, giving me respite from her sometimes-constant mews of conversation. The TV is off. There is no music playing. There is only the hum of the refrigerator and the tapping of the keyboard.
These moments give me time to think, time to reflect. Time to write, since that is my best outlet for reflection. I look back at my last post, and remember the sheer panic that consumed me as I wrote it. I remember it, but I do not feel it. Not today. The medicine - even at its super-low-dose - is working. I still have bad days, and I know my temper is short sometimes, but overall, I am coping - something I couldn't do a week ago. I still have days that leave me exhausted from the effort of putting one foot in front of the other, but I am managing, now. In that respect, life is good.
My thoughts drift to other things. The baby kicks, and I smile. This child, so quiet, so different from Miles already. I am terrified by the thought of balancing the needs of two children, especially if they are so utterly different as it seems they may be. I don't say this lightly. It is truly frightening, in many ways. That doesn't mean I regret anything, or that I'm any less excited to meet this child. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to the fear that comes with the unknown. Especially when people are so quick to tell me how difficult the transition will be. As if they delight in scaring pregnant women. The same people who said, "Just you wait," when I was pregnant the first time, trying to terrify me, even then. But Miles is truly a joy - an exhausting joy, but a joy, nonetheless. I am sure this child will be, as well.
I look around, and realize all that I need to accomplish today. This quiet reflection is nice, and even necessary, but now is the time for action. As I begin my tasks, I leave you with this thought: Find quiet in your day - even if for just a few moments. You will be surprised how refreshing it can be.