Lost.

I have had writer's block lately.  Like a wall, blocking my thoughts from flowing as they usually do.  And part of the reason is that I haven't written about the one major thing that's happening in my life.  And until I get this out, nothing else will come, so bear with me.

I haven't spoken to my father since before Thanksgiving.

There was a lot of family drama that I won't go into, for sake of his privacy and my own.  But, suffice it to say that there are some issues that had been building for awhile that finally bubbled over.

The whole darn thing is so very convoluted and crazy.  I drew a line, it was crossed.  Miscommunications happened.  Things were assumed, on both sides, that weren't exactly true.  Feelings were hurt.  Images damaged.

And now, I feel cut off from my grandfather, because my father lives with him.  And being a good father, Grandpa is taking his son's side.  I don't like it, but I understand it.

To complicate matters further, my sister is pregnant with her first child.  As her big sister, I should be planning her baby shower, but how do I do that without some major changes?  Changes that would force me to give in, when I'm not certain I should.

I'm lost, wondering how to make these decisions.  How to determine the correct course of action, and doing so with love and compassion.

It is the cause of my insomnia, and the primary reason I feel my anxiety building again, though it had been so very well controlled.  It haunts my dreams, and niggles at my thoughts throughout the day.  The weak part of me repeating, constantly, that I am the cause.  That I just need to back down.  That it would be so much easier to just give in and play the dutiful daughter as I always have.

But, in my soul, I know that I have to protect myself and my family.  I am not the sole cause of all troubles in my family.  I cannot fix them alone.  That backing down will prove nothing, except that I will allow myself and my family to be walked on.  That being the responsible wife and mother trumps dutiful daughter any day.

So, I continue, half here, and half lost in thought, trying desperately to find a solution that will please everyone.  Unable to find it, and unable to let go of it.  Sinking further into myself, despite my every effort to be present.

I am lost.  And so very sad, and hurt, and frustrated, and angry.

Lost.