Lessons of Mommyhood

Ah, the things you learn as a Mommy. . .

1. Bedtime cannot occur without a sippy cup of water to cuddle.  Yes, I have a strange son.
2. Stroller sitting in the living room = toddler-sized recliner/jungle gym.
3. Toys will take over your life.  Resistance is futile.
4. People with young children should never - ever - move into a place with brand new carpeting.  You won't be able to tell after a week, anyway.
5. Mommy friends are awesome.  Mommy friends who are willing to trade baby-sitting are even better.
6. Don't look away from your child when he's in the bathtub.  The second you do, you will find him trying to climb out.
7. No matter how young, in-shape, and healthy you are, chasing a toddler will wear you out.
8. I am not in shape.
9. The one day that your toddler chooses to sleep in will be the day that he also set your alarm to wake you at the crack of dawn.
10. Nothing in the world is cuter than a toddler clad only in a brightly-colored cloth diaper.

Lessons of Mommyhood

1. Toddler boys prefer to be naked, and can become so in the blink of an eye.
2. Strawberries are better than candy.
3. New toys are scary.  For the first hour, at least.  I mean, the slide could attack you when you're not looking.
4. There's a reason bathrooms are generally floored in tile or linoleum.  I can't imagine the damage a toddler in a bathtub could wreak on carpeting. . .
5. It's a very good thing that Crayola markers are non-toxic, because the toddler will mysteriously produce one, remove the lid, and drool orange for the rest of the day.

Lessons of Mommyhood

1. A full-sized bed will comfortably fit two fully-grown parents, or one toddler, but definitely not at the same time.
2. A toddler will beg for food right up until you give him some.  Then, he's no longer hungry, somehow.
3. It is much more fun to spread toys across the room than it is to actually play with them.
4. Limits are made to be pushed.
5. There are several great reasons that moms often chop their hair short.  The less you have, the less likely it is to have it matted with lollipop goo.

Lessons of Mommyhood

1. Mashed banana looks a lot like snot when it is wiped on fabric.
2. An off-leash dog park is a great place to take a toddler.  You can even let him off-leash, too, since it's fenced.
3. I am no longer important, except as Miles' transportation.
4. Just because the toddler liked a certain food yesterday (or earlier today, or five minutes ago) doesn't mean he likes it now.
5. Never - and I mean never leave your coffee where the toddler can get to it.  Bad things.  Trust me.

Lessons of Mommyhood

1. Nothing in the world is cuter than watching the man you love cuddling with your child.  Nothing.
2. Mommy needs to hold everything.  For an indeterminate amount of time.
3. Modern toys are ridiculously needy.  Ignore them for thirty seconds and they start making annoying noises to get your attention.  Sometimes, this continues for ten minutes at a time.  Sledgehammers are the only cure.
4. Rocks are priceless treasure that must be protected at all cost.  Until it's time to throw them back into the rock garden.
5. Being physically incapable of completing a task does not mean that the toddler won't scream when you try to help him.
6. Some things just aren't worth the fight.  Sitting in the windowsill is one of the least dangerous things the kid attempts, so try not to freak out over it.  Besides, freak outs only encourage him to keep doing it.
7. Any stick-shaped item will become a sword, which will be used to slay the furniture, the floor, and the television.  Removing these dangerous weapons results in a meltdown, but failure to do so results in living room apocalypse.  Number 234.
8. Cups are a convenient place to store crackers.  Even cups that are half full of water.
9. Saltine crackers eventually dissolve into a strange, mushy paste, when left in water for more than a few minutes.
10. If it's hidden, the toddler will forget it exists.  Unless, of course, it's something he's not supposed to have.  Then, his memory is perfect.

Lessons of Mommyhood

Ah, another week, another set of lessons. . .

1. A plastic golf club is quite useful for hitting small plastic golf balls.  Unfortunately, it's also quite useful for beating on cars, toys, furniture, the television, etc, etc, ad nauseum.
2. No matter how you dress a toddler, they'll still act like a toddler.  A three-piece suit does not a refined gentleman make.
3. Toddlers have no fear.  This is a good thing.  And a very, very bad thing.
4. Busy days are sometimes better days.  They leave fewer opportunities for boredom-induced tantrums.
5. Never let a toddler play with a cell phone, even for a few moments.  It will become an obsession that will result in the mauling of anything between him and his beloved phone.
6. To an adult, beds are for sleeping.  To a toddler, they're an at-home bounce house.  Without the safety features.
7. It's really not fair to bring an overtired toddler anywhere near soon-to-be first-time parents.  You may scar them for life. . . (Sorry, B and Shelby)
8. It is possible to pick up and hold a squirming, resistant toddler, but he may end up in some very strange positions.  Try not to be self-conscious about the strangers watching you carry an upside-down screaming toddler back through the store.
9. There is nothing wrong with counting the minutes until Daddy gets home.
10. No matter what, do not run out of your toddler's favorite food.  He does not understand the concept of being out of applesauce, and will be very upset when you cannot produce it from thin air.

Lessons of Mommyhood

Ah, we mommies never stop learning.  A few gems from recent events:

1. Dog farts and dirty diapers smell about the same.
• The dog should not be allowed to sleep on the back of the couch.
• Especially with his butt next to my head.
• Most especially when he is gassy.  Ew.
2. Boys start their obsession with all things gross at a very young age.  Miles already finds it hysterical to shove his dirty, stinky socks at my nose for a sniff.  Ew.
3. Rocking horses can do somersaults.
• Miles thinks it's hilarious.
• Mommy's heart starts beating again about twenty minutes after said event.
4. I am outnumbered in my family.  It's about time I face it.  Daddy and Miles love to team up to make Mommy scream, via tickling or cold fingers against bare skin.  Both think it's hilarious.  Note to self: check out daughter-rental programs.
5. Duplos are like little plastic land mines.  Your foot will never lose those four circular impressions.
6. You should really count your toddler's number of words before seeing the doctor.  Otherwise, you're bound to tell her he has about 20-25 words, when he really has more than fifty.
7. Always check for snot before giving the toddler a kiss.  Some of it is deceptively clear, but still just as slimy.
8. Bad days can sometimes be solved with a mid-day bath.  Especially if it lasts more than an hour.  It's worth it, even if the bathroom will never be the same after that much splashing.
9. Naps are sacred.  Never interrupt them for any reason.  Ever.  To do so invokes Raging Crazy Mama.  It's not pretty.
10. Toddlers will do anything to keep you from taking away something they want to play with.  Even if it means throwing it down the stairs to keep it away from you.  Logic has not entered the little mind, yet.

Lessons of Mommyhood

In place of Bad Mommy Mondays, I've opted to start a new tradition called Lessons of Mommyhood..  It could have also been called "Things Motherhood Has Taught Me", but that's just a mouthful.

So, with no further adieu, the Lessons of Mommyhood: Chapter 1.

1. Always check pockets, openings, socks, etc. for crayons before putting clothes in the washer.  Yellow and green spots on every piece of clothing are never in style. (Sadly. . .)
2. If you didn't heed #1, stain remover and extremely hot water will remove crayon stains. Yay!
3. No matter how cute it seemed at first, every noise-making toy becomes annoying after the millionth iteration.
4. Dogs are better than vacuum cleaners when it comes to cleaning up toddler crumbs.  Unfortunately, they're not so good at cleaning up the small bits of trash that toddlers create.  Note to self: teach dog to throw away trash.
5. My drink is far more interesting than his.  Even if mine is empty.
6. If the toddler has hidden his cup, and it has been missing for more than a week, just plan to throw it away when you find it.  That stench will never come out.
7. "Baby-proofing" is seen as a challenge to toddlers.  If there's a way to defeat it, they will find it.  If there is no way to defeat it, they will use their toddler magic to make one.
8. Nothing is out of reach for a creative child. Nothing.
9. It's only fun if it makes a huge mess.
10. Kisses and love solve every hurt.  This is as true for Mommy as it is for Miles.