I am a Bad Mommy.
But you already knew that. That's why you're here. Because you love reading this, secure in the knowledge that you are (or will be) better at this whole parenting thing than me. :)
I have given you lots of reasons that I am a Bad Mommy. Lots of things I've been judged for. So many insecurities, all tied up nicely into weekly lists. You may also have noticed that these lists have become shorter, and less frequent. That's because of: a) modern medicine doing its part to combat anxiety, b) a lack of time to devote to caring what other people think, and c) a realization that all parents make mistakes and choices that other people will judge.
That being said, I am still human (and female), so I still have tons of insecurities.
I am a stay-at-home mom.* Popular culture has two ways of viewing moms like me, whose primary job is caring for our homes, and our children. The first paints us as ugly, honorable martyrs, working our days away scrubbing floors, and wiping snotty noses, but always putting on a smile because we know we're 'doing what's best'. The second depicts us as beautiful, lazy, free-loading wives who spend their days watching soaps and eating bon-bons while our children run wild without supervision.
Let me tell you this right now: neither of those pictures is even close to true. And yet, both have elements of truth. We do have the ugly job of scrubbing floors and wiping noses twenty-four hours a day. Sometimes, we do it with a smile, and other days, we just want to throw all of the good China at the wall rather than wash it one more time. Some days, we never get out of our pajamas, and spend the day trying to relax, and not getting much accomplished. But, even on those days, we are rarely just sitting and relaxing, because, let's face it, children don't really allow that for long periods of time, unless they're up to something.
My point, I guess, is that each of us approaches motherhood in a different way, and yet, we are all just struggling to do our best. I have to keep telling myself that on days when I feel like I'm getting nothing done. When I feel like Miles hates me. When I feel like the housework keeps piling up, and I just don't have the energy to even bother with it. When I feel like a Bad Mommy.
If you've read this far, congratulations. You have managed to wade through my self-doubt and analysis, hoping to find a point. Well, here's what brought all of this up.
I'm in the process of enrolling Miles in daycare next year. It's only one day a week, for five hours a day, but it makes me feel like a terrible mom. Not because I'm putting him in daycare, but because I don't have to. I know several working moms who hate dropping their kids off at daycare, and would love the opportunity to stay at home with them. And here I am, enrolling my son in daycare so I can have a day off once a week.
There it is. My primary reason for feeling like a Bad Mommy this week. Lame, no? Aren't you all disappointed that you bothered skimming that, now? Well, you shouldn't be, because you're about to be rewarded with cuteness.
Hopefully, tomorrow's post will be better organized and less stream-of-consciousness. :)
*Goodness, how I hate that term, but that's another discussion for another time.